Colonel Mustard ..

One of best friends had his 40th birthday this weekend, and he was overly kind in taking his nearest and dearest away to some five star luxury .. it's because we're worth it .. and cos' he has too much money probably ..

I hadn't visited Loch Lomund before, the nearest I had been was Glasgow City Centre & the contrast to that is stark to put it mildly..

I arrived on time (for once) to pick travelling buddies up for the airport, but that was about as scheduled as the inital leg of the trip was going to get. First we managed to miss the highway turnoff due to my front seat passenger talking of sex with his socks on, and myself being distracted from anything other than laughing and trying not to vomit. Once this part was corrected 30 miles to the better, we got caught up behind a traffic accident with 5 mile tail backs. Switching to the traffic news the presenter suggested that there was 'no trouble on the county's roads' except one traffic accident (thanks for that) and a broken down train – it just so happened that one of the other weekend attendees was stuck on that very train .. so, it might have been a quiet one on Suffolk's roads, but it certainly wasn't helping our weekend away ..

We arrived with about 10 mins to spare. The straglers in the train incident arrived with 23 seconds to spare, having to do a handbrake turn at the back of the check in queue just to make sure. We can laugh about it now ..

Our hotel was like a grand version of Hogwarts. It was full on butler service with kilts and gentlemanly conduct. The view over the Loch in the sunshine was stunning & worth every penny (and it wasn't even my penny!). We had 'afternoon tea' and an evening meal that required jacket and tie – get us! The food was amazing, it could have been constructed from an uber trendy design guide and highly memorable. We retired to the Library and I did my best Poirot impressions and solved many a mystery. It was like living the Cluedo dream ..

Saturday JC and I did a 3 hour walk around the Loch up to Balloch Castle, where REM did a big open air gig last year, apparently. We took in the midday sun and paid for it! Met up with the others for drinks and a boat trip .. a posh boat trip at that. The boat cost £360k, had 2 bedrooms with en-suite and boasted celebrity clientelle .. Monty's wife got off the boat before us, splashing divorce cash no doubt. It was a great trip around the Loch in the brilliant sun shine, pausing briefly at the edge of the golf course for birthday cake.

Lots of booze and trying to avoid the sun for the rest of the day & then Calzone by the Marina. An attempt to hit the local clubs was thwarted by the old folks, so we retired to the hotel bar and tried in vain to crash the wedding being hosted there.

Sunday I sat on the jetty and read my book and sunday papers and relaxed to the extreme, before then catching the taxi home.

It was a fantastic weekend and the company was spot on .. I now have four years of thinking before my own big four zero; I obviously need to check my guide books to places cold and Eastern European ..